So hot right now

P: I just got home!
Me: Yeah?
P: Yeah, I went to N's house.
Me: Did you have fun?
P: Her roommate is so hot.
Me: Yeah?
P: Yeah, she's all tan and her legs.... She's like....like...a camp counselor!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

The Pick up Artist

I needed a little entertainment for the night, so a bar hopping I was to go. It was suggested that I take P along. Why not? Hijinks were surely to ensue. We arrived, we sat, we drank, and sure enough, groups of females began to arrive. One particular group of three was within 10 feet of us for about 30 seconds before P was beside himself.

P: I'm gonna go talk to them.
Me: Go!
P: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Me: .......k
P: OH! I got it!

P: Hey, so, ummmmm.....you girls decided to go out tonight?
G: Uh, yeah.
P: I'm Canadian. Someday I want to go to Oregon cause that's where they filmed The Goonies.
G: Wow.

He's in! Magic! I have never seen anything like it. Soon, the "who'd you come with" brings me into the mix and we're all chatting away....Apparently, the crazy comes across as amusing and obviously harmless for the exact amount of time that is needed for me to be introduced, then attention shifts to the "sane" guy, yours truly. It's brilliant!! Anyways, P showed particular interest in one of the girls, and before I knew it she was asking me, "Where'd P go?"

Me: What? I dunno, maybe to go smoke or something...

10 minutes pass.....

G: Where's your friend?
Me: I dunno maybe he met some people....

10 more minutes pass....

TEXT FROM P: "I'm at home. I got scared."
TEXT FROM ME: "What? I'm still here talking to these girls"
TEXT FROM P: "I am interested in N. Can you get her number for me"
TEXT FROM ME: "I'll do my best"

Honestly, I couldn't make this up even if I tried.

His heart will go on

So I guess it's over. No more J for our crazy friend P. After lunch sometime last week, we were getting out of her car and P was outside on one of his half-hourly smoke breaks;

P: Hey, J, is that your car?
J: No, P, I stole that car. Damn. I almost got away with it too.
P: Ok.
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, that was quite the event in the world of P.

P: I'm over J.
Me: You are?
P: Yeah. I'm going to admit it, I had a thing for her.
Me: No way!
P: Yeah, I did.
Me: You hid it well.
P: I know, but after today, it's over.
Me: Today?
P: Yeah, that car thing.
Me: It was a joke, and it was funny, get over it.
P: No, women shouldn't talk to me like that.
Me: Yeah, they should know their place. Well, that's too bad, I hope that some day she'll heal.

It's working! She's coming around!

P: Maybe I'll get a motorcycle.
J: Don't get a motorcycle. It's the fastest way to become an organ doner.
P: Wait. Wait. So you're saying that you care if I die?
Me: Way to grasp, dude.
J: ...
P: Wicked.

...Later...

P: So J is really warming up to me. She talked to me today AND told me she cares about me.
Me: You got that from...
P: Yeah, I knew she would come around if I gave her some time.
Me: Yeah, you're right. Well done.

Man crush theory: 4
Crush on J story: 3

It's a gettin' close...J is making a strong come back

He's Dreamy

P: So if you were with a really hot girl, and then she got naked and she was all furry, would you keep going?
Me: No.
P: Why not?
Me: Cause she's all furry.
P: Yeah, but she's really hot.
Me: No she's not, she's all furry.
P: I would. I'd let her pee on me too. But only in the shower.
Me: Yeah, cause otherwise that would be gross...
P: Yeah.

Office Romance - Part Deux

Him: If J dyed her hair to be a brunette, I wouldn't be able to hold back anymore.
Me: No?
Him: Yeah, I'd have to really turn it on. You don't even know.
Me: Really?
Him: She wouldn't be able to resist. Seriously.
Me: Wow. Nice of you to let her off the hook for now.
Him: Yeah. Until she's a brunette though.
Me: Obviously.

Man crush theory: 4
I have a crush on J story: 2

Dudes just don't say that to other dudes

Him: I'm really glad you're my roommate.
Me: Thanks.
Him: Of all the people to be roommates with, I'm glad it was you.
Me: Thanks.
Him: If you had a vagina...
Me: Do NOT finish that sentence, dude.
Him: Ok.

Well, now the evidence is all over the place, so a tally I shall keep.

Man crush theory: 4
The I have a crush on J story: 1

Brokeback Roommate

P: Do you know what would be fun?
Me: What?
P: If we got some wood for the fireplace, ordered in, and watched a movie together.
Me: ...
P: Don't you think?
Me: ...That's weird dude.

Man crush theory back? Needy? "Different" relationships with guy friends in the past? I don't know, I just don't know.

Don Juan

Sweet relief. P has shown interest in a coworker so the man crush theory has been put away for now, in my book at least. There are some who aren't convinced yet, but I'm an optimist. Anyways, in traditional P style, the whole scenario is playing out and way more interesting in his head than real life.

P: You know J, right?
Me: Yeah.
P: She's so hot, I think we're getting too familiar though.
Me: Ummm. What?
P: Yeah, I've got to keep the mystery alive.
Me: Yeah, that'll do it.
P: You know, I think I've got a chance.
Me: I dunno.
P: I do, if I'm mysterious it will just happen.
Me: I'm sure it will.

"Too familiar" refers to the fact that she almost made eye contact with him at a group lunch once. At least it's not me.

Chemistry

Ok. So now it's been a couple of days. I'm starting to accept that there is another creature in my house. After several years of nude jumping jacks being perfectly acceptable in my home, I've come to terms with the new rules ( metaphor people, calm down ). So apparently my guard is dropping a little bit because...

P: Hey, I want to tell you something.
Me: Ok.
P: ( leans in to kiss me )
Me: What the F*$@ are you doing?!
P: Ha ha! That's funny, right?
Me: No. No, that is not funny. It's weird and awkward.
P: Well, it was just a joke.
Me: Yeah, I'm sure it was...
P: I think it would be funny if you did that to me.
Me: Right, that's not going to happen.

Now honestly, what is in someone's head when this happens? I'm gonna fall over laughing and start a pillow fight or something? C'mon. Luckily, I am quite comfortable in my heterosexuality, but after two days I could easily be one of those dudes that would challenge the P to a good old fashioned round of fisticuffs. Please don't be a man-crush....please please please

Full House

And so it begins. On January 6th, my new pet, "P", arrived. The previous "P" model had been rejected and forced to live elsewhere due to an insurmountable mismatch of personalities and habits. I'm kind of a morning person, not the most "outgoing", enjoy relaxing weekends, and he was a complete prick. It just wasn't gonna be a match. After assurance that the newer model was without similar defect, and would pay cash money for a now unused room, I finally gave up the "live by myself" lifestyle I had come to know and love to regress to a shared habitat. The first 24 hours were fine, but that seemed to be the maximum amount of time the crazy could be contained.

Me: Can you turn down the TV? It's kinda loud.
P: Yeah. Hey.
Me: What's up?
P: You know Stephanie from Full House? I used to have a crush on her and wrote her a letter. I cried to my mom because she didn't write back.
Me: ...What? That's weird dude.

Yes, just a little "weird", but looking back, it was the canary in the coal mine. Keep in mind that out of 5-10 freaky ass comments, only the appropriate or most random make it here.