So hot right now

P: I just got home!
Me: Yeah?
P: Yeah, I went to N's house.
Me: Did you have fun?
P: Her roommate is so hot.
Me: Yeah?
P: Yeah, she's all tan and her legs.... She's like....like...a camp counselor!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

The Pick up Artist

I needed a little entertainment for the night, so a bar hopping I was to go. It was suggested that I take P along. Why not? Hijinks were surely to ensue. We arrived, we sat, we drank, and sure enough, groups of females began to arrive. One particular group of three was within 10 feet of us for about 30 seconds before P was beside himself.

P: I'm gonna go talk to them.
Me: Go!
P: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Me: .......k
P: OH! I got it!

P: Hey, so, ummmmm.....you girls decided to go out tonight?
G: Uh, yeah.
P: I'm Canadian. Someday I want to go to Oregon cause that's where they filmed The Goonies.
G: Wow.

He's in! Magic! I have never seen anything like it. Soon, the "who'd you come with" brings me into the mix and we're all chatting away....Apparently, the crazy comes across as amusing and obviously harmless for the exact amount of time that is needed for me to be introduced, then attention shifts to the "sane" guy, yours truly. It's brilliant!! Anyways, P showed particular interest in one of the girls, and before I knew it she was asking me, "Where'd P go?"

Me: What? I dunno, maybe to go smoke or something...

10 minutes pass.....

G: Where's your friend?
Me: I dunno maybe he met some people....

10 more minutes pass....

TEXT FROM P: "I'm at home. I got scared."
TEXT FROM ME: "What? I'm still here talking to these girls"
TEXT FROM P: "I am interested in N. Can you get her number for me"
TEXT FROM ME: "I'll do my best"

Honestly, I couldn't make this up even if I tried.

His heart will go on

So I guess it's over. No more J for our crazy friend P. After lunch sometime last week, we were getting out of her car and P was outside on one of his half-hourly smoke breaks;

P: Hey, J, is that your car?
J: No, P, I stole that car. Damn. I almost got away with it too.
P: Ok.
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, that was quite the event in the world of P.

P: I'm over J.
Me: You are?
P: Yeah. I'm going to admit it, I had a thing for her.
Me: No way!
P: Yeah, I did.
Me: You hid it well.
P: I know, but after today, it's over.
Me: Today?
P: Yeah, that car thing.
Me: It was a joke, and it was funny, get over it.
P: No, women shouldn't talk to me like that.
Me: Yeah, they should know their place. Well, that's too bad, I hope that some day she'll heal.

It's working! She's coming around!

P: Maybe I'll get a motorcycle.
J: Don't get a motorcycle. It's the fastest way to become an organ doner.
P: Wait. Wait. So you're saying that you care if I die?
Me: Way to grasp, dude.
J: ...
P: Wicked.

...Later...

P: So J is really warming up to me. She talked to me today AND told me she cares about me.
Me: You got that from...
P: Yeah, I knew she would come around if I gave her some time.
Me: Yeah, you're right. Well done.

Man crush theory: 4
Crush on J story: 3

It's a gettin' close...J is making a strong come back

Criticism - I'm not perfect :(

At first, I was just going to list the conversations without any explanation, but, I think that without painting the whole P picture, some of the crazy may be lost on the reader. So here's a little context for the following summation of our evening relationship. The belief held by our character P is that conspiracies are everywhere. Grassy knolls, aliens, 9/11 govt. demolition, Jewish money control, the Illuminati, and don't even get him started on area 51 or Roswell. Anyways, every night consists of a thousand questions regarding every moment of the day and how it pertains to what people are plotting against him, as well as the occasional rant about the moon landing being staged. I have fallen into a habit of just saying "uh-huh" to every question.

P: Hey. Why don't you talk more?
Me: I dunno. I don't feel the need to blurt everything that enters my head.
P: I don't like that.
Me: Sorry.

Alas, now even my silence has become offensive. What to do now? No, I don't want to talk about your day whilst sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey - I'm just not that kinda guy.