Liar! Liar!

Dedicated to Ree-Anne, a.k.a. RJ

The set up for this one is simple; Liar, Liar is on TV, and my favorite hound is at the house for the weekend. For some reason, Hound who normally loves anything with a heartbeat, is scared to death of P. Cross that with P's gullible ways and the situation is just ripe for parody. Ripe!

TV: "..that for just 1 day, you couldn't tell a lie..."
Me ( to Hound ): Don't worry, I wouldn't lie to you.
Me ( to Hound ): P does though. He lies to you all the time.
P: WHAT! No! I don't lie to her!
Me ( to hound ): Don't listen to him, he could be lying right now.
P: NO!
P ( to Hound ): NO! Don't listen to him! I don't lie to you! I promise.
P: Why are you telling her that?
Me ( to Hound ): Who are you going to believe?
P: I DON'T LIE TO HER!!
P ( to Hound ): I really don't! I don't lie to you!
Hound: WOOF!
Me: See, she knows.
P: F*%^! WHAT ELSE DO YOU TELL HER?!?

I can't hold it in anymore....

So P has been fairly normal for the past week. I know, boring, right? My little blog hobby has been put on haitus due to a lack of material. No UFOs, no time travel, no accusing people of being witches ( did I put that one in here, "AHH That's witchcraft!", hmmm, I'll check later ). Anyways,
it has apparently been bottling up and fermenting. After a week of stewing, it all came rushing out...concentrated.

P: FUCK!
Me: What?
P: I HATE TRANSEXUALS!
Me: HA HA. What? Oh, Eddie Izzard? He's a transvestite.
P: They both start with "T". GOD DAMMIT.
Me: Dude, what's happening with you?
P: GOD! I hate this girl! Why is she calling me!?
P: No, I don't, I shouldn't have said that. She's nice.
P: NO! I don't like her! Stop calling me.
P: I don't mean that, it's bad to say.
Me: ...Whoa. You ok?
P: Yeah. I'm gonna call N. I just wanted that time traveler video to be real, you know?
Me: Wow.

Miracles and Modern Medicine

Unfortunately, I was only on the listening side of the phone call, so the conversation is one sided...

P: Yeah, she was great.
........
P: Yeah, I would recommend her.
........
P: Yeah, I feel so much better, it's like my lungs are filled with air!

The Bike Incident

Me: What hapanned to you?
P: I fell down the stairs.
Me: We don't have stairs.
P: I fell down the stair in front.
Me: You look like you were hit by a bus. The "stair" out front is a 3 inch step.
P: I had hot dogs in my hand.
Me: What?
P: I tripped on my shoe and saved the hot dogs.
Me: Who does that?

Now, if this was anyone else in the world, I would've called bullsh*t right there. P being P though, "I tripped over my shadow" was believable....

The Next Day....
Person 1:
J: What happaned to you?
P: I crashed M's bike.

Person 2:
S: What did you do to your hand?
P: I crashed M's bike.

Brilliant liar this P....About 20 people later.....

P: So, ummmm......There's something wrong with your bike.
Me: Yeah, I know, it fell down a stair.
P: Yeah, so, thats fine, right?
Me: Nope. You took it without asking, crashed it, then lied about it. You buy it or fix it.
P: It's not my fault! I didnt' mean to crash.
Me: You're retarded. You have a week.
P: Nooo! The important thing is that I'm o.k.
Me: No, it's not. The important thing is that you owe me money or a fixed bike or your homeless.
P: I'll fix it, I'll fix it.
Me: I know, and you'll buy a lock for it too. I've been having problems with people taking it and crashing it.

Not always fun and games when dealing with a crazy person.

Random

One of the fun and interesting traits of our subject P is that he has no recognition of existing conversations. This was one of those occasions.

Me: ...I don't know, you've probably got a RAM issue, but....
P: YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN ANY TIME!!
Me: What?
P: That's from Top Gun.
Me: Yeah, I know, where'd that come from though? Cause you're wearing aviator glasses?
P: No, cause you look like Goose and I look like Tom Cruise.
Me: I don't look like Goose. And who told you you look like Tom Cruise?
P: No one had to.
Me: Ok...
P: Yeah, we should put on a Top Gun skit.
Me: Ok. I'll go get the video camera, you think about what scene you want to do...
P: This is gonna be awesome!
Me: I was being sarcas..nevermind. Just, go over there.

And if you're curious as to what P looks like, it's the complete opposite of that pic of TC.

I'm a big ol' meanie

Me: You want to watch Mission Impossible 3? I have it.
Guest: Yeah.
Me: Ok, I'll put it on.
P: I didn't know you had this.
Me: Mission Impossible 3? Yeah, I bought it awhile ago.
P: No, World Trade Center.
Me: What? No, I don't have that.
P: Then what's this movie?
Guest: Really?
Me: Are you serious?
P: You're so frustrating.
Me: Dude, Mission Impossible 3. I just said it like 10 times, the theme music is playing and the screen says MI3, I thought you knew.
P: You make me figure everything out on my own.
Guest: Wow.
Me: Yeah, I know.

The Top

P: I need a new name for my online character.
Me: Ok. What kinda name?
P: Something everyone will hate.
Me: Hitler.
P: I already have a Hitler, and two Adolfs.
Me: Carrot Top.
P: I can't do that.
Me: Why not?
P: He has muscles.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A Gender Identity Crisis Befalls Us

P: Hey, M. Hey, M. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, ...
Me: For the love of God, what?
P: I wish I had a vagina.
Me: Dude. What?
P: I wish I had a vagina.
Me: There's an operation for that.
P: NO WAY!!
Me: Yeah, you should check it out.
P: Whoa.

Social Grace

P: Let's go to a strip club.
Me: A strip club? Ummm, if you really want to, sure.
P: Nevermind.
Me: Ok, you wanna go to a bar?
P: No, I don't want to go out now, I'm self-conscious.
Me: Of what?
P: My balls are too big.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It puts the lotion on it's skin...

A couple of people came over for a bit and we're all sitting in the living room. We're not talking about girls, we're not talking about talking about girls. Buffalo Bill just belted this out of nowhere.

P: I think I wanna bang a fat chick. I don't know why I just said that.
Us: Do it! We will help in any way you need.
P: Yeah, I want to take a shower with her.
Us: ...
P: I want to wash her face.
Us: Oh my god.

Simply Irresistable

Him: I don't like my room.
Me: Why?
Him: Because of the windows. If someone walks by, and then looks in the window they can see me.
Me: Shut your blinds.
Him: Yeah, but if they can see that I'm there, they'll grab me and take me.
Me: Who's gonna take you?
Him: Anyone that sees me is going to want to take me.
Me: Good point.

Yeah, I'm that dumb ie Gullibosity

P: Hey, I'm out of weed, can you take me to go get some more?
Me: Ummm, no.
P: Why?
Me: I'm not a drug mule.
P: What if I told you that I was going to pick up a book?
Me: Are you going to pick up a book?
P: No.
Me: Then no.
P: Hey, so can you take me to go pick up some money? This guy owes me some money.
Me: Yeah.
P: Really?
Me: No.

Our First Fight

Like I said before, thousands of questions, never ending consipracy theory rants, etc. All I want to do is watch "The Office" once a week. Not too much to ask right?

P: Hey. This one time, I was out hanging with....
Me: My show is on, dude. Wait until a commercial.
P: ...So I was with my friends.
Me: Dude! Please let me watch my show.
P: That's the first time you raised your voice to me. I don't know how I feel about that.
Me: I didn't raise my voice, and we're not dating, man.

I didn't raise my voice, dammit.

Deep Impact

Ok. This is where we officially crossed the line from weird into crazy. In my usual post active day way, I plop on the couch, turn off my brain, and find something mind numbing to occupy me until I'm ready to sleep. This particular night, it was Deep Impact. That movie where Frodo discovers a comet headed towards Earth, we're all going to be destroyed from it and drama ensues. Well, part of the comet hits the water and a huge wave comes to start wreaking havoc. Some might react by saying, it's a bit cheesy, others think wow, that sucks, I didn't expect this...

( watching )

P: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Me: Dude, what's funny? She just died.
P: Yeah, I don't have empathy for people, it's not like it was a dog or something.
Me: You're a sociopath.
P: What?
Me: Nothing.

Wow. So death = funny. Hopefully, it's the copious amount of substance in his brain and not a warning sign of serial killer tendencies.