Dudes just don't say that to other dudes

Him: I'm really glad you're my roommate.
Me: Thanks.
Him: Of all the people to be roommates with, I'm glad it was you.
Me: Thanks.
Him: If you had a vagina...
Me: Do NOT finish that sentence, dude.
Him: Ok.

Well, now the evidence is all over the place, so a tally I shall keep.

Man crush theory: 4
The I have a crush on J story: 1

Brokeback Roommate

P: Do you know what would be fun?
Me: What?
P: If we got some wood for the fireplace, ordered in, and watched a movie together.
Me: ...
P: Don't you think?
Me: ...That's weird dude.

Man crush theory back? Needy? "Different" relationships with guy friends in the past? I don't know, I just don't know.

Our First Fight

Like I said before, thousands of questions, never ending consipracy theory rants, etc. All I want to do is watch "The Office" once a week. Not too much to ask right?

P: Hey. This one time, I was out hanging with....
Me: My show is on, dude. Wait until a commercial.
P: ...So I was with my friends.
Me: Dude! Please let me watch my show.
P: That's the first time you raised your voice to me. I don't know how I feel about that.
Me: I didn't raise my voice, and we're not dating, man.

I didn't raise my voice, dammit.

Criticism - I'm not perfect :(

At first, I was just going to list the conversations without any explanation, but, I think that without painting the whole P picture, some of the crazy may be lost on the reader. So here's a little context for the following summation of our evening relationship. The belief held by our character P is that conspiracies are everywhere. Grassy knolls, aliens, 9/11 govt. demolition, Jewish money control, the Illuminati, and don't even get him started on area 51 or Roswell. Anyways, every night consists of a thousand questions regarding every moment of the day and how it pertains to what people are plotting against him, as well as the occasional rant about the moon landing being staged. I have fallen into a habit of just saying "uh-huh" to every question.

P: Hey. Why don't you talk more?
Me: I dunno. I don't feel the need to blurt everything that enters my head.
P: I don't like that.
Me: Sorry.

Alas, now even my silence has become offensive. What to do now? No, I don't want to talk about your day whilst sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey - I'm just not that kinda guy.

Chemistry

Ok. So now it's been a couple of days. I'm starting to accept that there is another creature in my house. After several years of nude jumping jacks being perfectly acceptable in my home, I've come to terms with the new rules ( metaphor people, calm down ). So apparently my guard is dropping a little bit because...

P: Hey, I want to tell you something.
Me: Ok.
P: ( leans in to kiss me )
Me: What the F*$@ are you doing?!
P: Ha ha! That's funny, right?
Me: No. No, that is not funny. It's weird and awkward.
P: Well, it was just a joke.
Me: Yeah, I'm sure it was...
P: I think it would be funny if you did that to me.
Me: Right, that's not going to happen.

Now honestly, what is in someone's head when this happens? I'm gonna fall over laughing and start a pillow fight or something? C'mon. Luckily, I am quite comfortable in my heterosexuality, but after two days I could easily be one of those dudes that would challenge the P to a good old fashioned round of fisticuffs. Please don't be a man-crush....please please please

Memories

Now, P had come to work for the company and was temporarily put up for a couple of weeks before moving in at the beginning of the year. Before that, I did not even know this human existed on the planet.

P: Hey, we go way back, right?
Me: I've known you for 2 weeks.
P: Yeah, but, I feel like I've known you for a lot longer.
Me: ...Ok.
P: Yeah, so...yeah, I just wanted to say that.
Me: .....That's weird dude.

It may be on me, but I just don't express feelings of attachment and familiarity to other dudes, well not without a liter of whiskey in me. It's starting to add up...