Monday, January 29, 2007

It puts the lotion on it's skin...

A couple of people came over for a bit and we're all sitting in the living room. We're not talking about girls, we're not talking about talking about girls. Buffalo Bill just belted this out of nowhere.

P: I think I wanna bang a fat chick. I don't know why I just said that.
Us: Do it! We will help in any way you need.
P: Yeah, I want to take a shower with her.
Us: ...
P: I want to wash her face.
Us: Oh my god.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Office Romance - Part Deux

Him: If J dyed her hair to be a brunette, I wouldn't be able to hold back anymore.
Me: No?
Him: Yeah, I'd have to really turn it on. You don't even know.
Me: Really?
Him: She wouldn't be able to resist. Seriously.
Me: Wow. Nice of you to let her off the hook for now.
Him: Yeah. Until she's a brunette though.
Me: Obviously.

Man crush theory: 4
I have a crush on J story: 2

Friday, January 26, 2007

Dudes just don't say that to other dudes

Him: I'm really glad you're my roommate.
Me: Thanks.
Him: Of all the people to be roommates with, I'm glad it was you.
Me: Thanks.
Him: If you had a vagina...
Me: Do NOT finish that sentence, dude.
Him: Ok.

Well, now the evidence is all over the place, so a tally I shall keep.

Man crush theory: 4
The I have a crush on J story: 1

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Simply Irresistable

Him: I don't like my room.
Me: Why?
Him: Because of the windows. If someone walks by, and then looks in the window they can see me.
Me: Shut your blinds.
Him: Yeah, but if they can see that I'm there, they'll grab me and take me.
Me: Who's gonna take you?
Him: Anyone that sees me is going to want to take me.
Me: Good point.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

666

P: Obama is the anti-christ.
Me: Are you serious?
P: Yeah, Nostrodamus said Amabu would be the anti-christ and Obama backwards is amabo - really close.
Me: Wow.

It's at this point that I think that jotting these gems down for my own personal amusement isn't good enough and mycrazyroommate.com is born.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Grassy Knoll

P: Hey, you don't believe that Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK do you?
Me: Yeah.
P: I thought you were smarter than that, haven't you seen JFK?
Me: That was a movie. He was a fricken' military marksman and had scope, not that hard of a shot.
P: JFK says it was someone on the grassy knoll.
Me: Well, if a Kevin Costner movie says so, it must be true.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

The Truth Is Out There

Yeah, so this takes place as my cousin ( who I haven't seen in years ) is still walking in the front door.

My Cousin: Hey, nice to meet you, I'm E.
P: Nice to meet you, check this out. There's fu$*ing UFOs. NASA has footage!
My Cousin: ...Umm...ok.
P: Watch this! See how it moves! People are trying to cover it up.
My Cousin ( to me ): Your roommate is weird.
Me: Yeah, I know

Friday, January 19, 2007

Passion of the roommate

P: Is it true that Jews started every major war in history?
Me: What? No.
P: Mel Gibson said that they did.
Me: Mel Gibson? Then it must be true.
P: That's what I thought.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Yeah, I'm that dumb ie Gullibosity


P: Hey, I'm out of weed, can you take me to go get some more?
Me: Ummm, no.
P: Why?
Me: I'm not a drug mule.
P: What if I told you that I was going to pick up a book?
Me: Are you going to pick up a book?
P: No.
Me: Then no.
P: Hey, so can you take me to go pick up some money? This guy owes me some money.
Me: Yeah.
P: Really?
Me: No.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Brokeback Roommate

P: Do you know what would be fun?
Me: What?
P: If we got some wood for the fireplace, ordered in, and watched a movie together.
Me: ...
P: Don't you think?
Me: ...That's weird dude.

Man crush theory back? Needy? "Different" relationships with guy friends in the past? I don't know, I just don't know.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Our First Fight

Like I said before, thousands of questions, never ending consipracy theory rants, etc. All I want to do is watch "The Office" once a week. Not too much to ask right?

P: Hey. This one time, I was out hanging with....
Me: My show is on, dude. Wait until a commercial.
P: ...So I was with my friends.
Me: Dude! Please let me watch my show.
P: That's the first time you raised your voice to me. I don't know how I feel about that.
Me: I didn't raise my voice, and we're not dating, man.

I didn't raise my voice, dammit.

Don Juan

Sweet relief. P has shown interest in a coworker so the man crush theory has been put away for now, in my book at least. There are some who aren't convinced yet, but I'm an optimist. Anyways, in traditional P style, the whole scenario is playing out and way more interesting in his head than real life.

P: You know J, right?
Me: Yeah.
P: She's so hot, I think we're getting too familiar though.
Me: Ummm. What?
P: Yeah, I've got to keep the mystery alive.
Me: Yeah, that'll do it.
P: You know, I think I've got a chance.
Me: I dunno.
P: I do, if I'm mysterious it will just happen.
Me: I'm sure it will.

"Too familiar" refers to the fact that she almost made eye contact with him at a group lunch once. At least it's not me.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Deep Impact


Ok. This is where we officially crossed the line from weird into crazy. In my usual post active day way, I plop on the couch, turn off my brain, and find something mind numbing to occupy me until I'm ready to sleep. This particular night, it was Deep Impact. That movie where Frodo discovers a comet headed towards Earth, we're all going to be destroyed from it and drama ensues. Well, part of the comet hits the water and a huge wave comes to start wreaking havoc. Some might react by saying, it's a bit cheesy, others think wow, that sucks, I didn't expect this...

( watching )


P: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Me: Dude, what's funny? She just died.
P: Yeah, I don't have empathy for people, it's not like it was a dog or something.
Me: You're a sociopath.
P: What?
Me: Nothing.

Wow. So death = funny. Hopefully, it's the copious amount of substance in his brain and not a warning sign of serial killer tendencies.

Criticism - I'm not perfect :(

At first, I was just going to list the conversations without any explanation, but, I think that without painting the whole P picture, some of the crazy may be lost on the reader. So here's a little context for the following summation of our evening relationship. The belief held by our character P is that conspiracies are everywhere. Grassy knolls, aliens, 9/11 govt. demolition, Jewish money control, the Illuminati, and don't even get him started on area 51 or Roswell. Anyways, every night consists of a thousand questions regarding every moment of the day and how it pertains to what people are plotting against him, as well as the occasional rant about the moon landing being staged. I have fallen into a habit of just saying "uh-huh" to every question.

P: Hey. Why don't you talk more?
Me: I dunno. I don't feel the need to blurt everything that enters my head.
P: I don't like that.
Me: Sorry.

Alas, now even my silence has become offensive. What to do now? No, I don't want to talk about your day whilst sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey - I'm just not that kinda guy.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Chemistry

Ok. So now it's been a couple of days. I'm starting to accept that there is another creature in my house. After several years of nude jumping jacks being perfectly acceptable in my home, I've come to terms with the new rules ( metaphor people, calm down ). So apparently my guard is dropping a little bit because...

P: Hey, I want to tell you something.
Me: Ok.
P: ( leans in to kiss me )
Me: What the F*$@ are you doing?!
P: Ha ha! That's funny, right?
Me: No. No, that is not funny. It's weird and awkward.
P: Well, it was just a joke.
Me: Yeah, I'm sure it was...
P: I think it would be funny if you did that to me.
Me: Right, that's not going to happen.

Now honestly, what is in someone's head when this happens? I'm gonna fall over laughing and start a pillow fight or something? C'mon. Luckily, I am quite comfortable in my heterosexuality, but after two days I could easily be one of those dudes that would challenge the P to a good old fashioned round of fisticuffs. Please don't be a man-crush....please please please

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Memories

Now, P had come to work for the company and was temporarily put up for a couple of weeks before moving in at the beginning of the year. Before that, I did not even know this human existed on the planet.

P: Hey, we go way back, right?
Me: I've known you for 2 weeks.
P: Yeah, but, I feel like I've known you for a lot longer.
Me: ...Ok.
P: Yeah, so...yeah, I just wanted to say that.
Me: .....That's weird dude.

It may be on me, but I just don't express feelings of attachment and familiarity to other dudes, well not without a liter of whiskey in me. It's starting to add up...

Full House


And so it begins. On January 6th, my new pet, "P", arrived. The previous "P" model had been rejected and forced to live elsewhere due to an insurmountable mismatch of personalities and habits. I'm kind of a morning person, not the most "outgoing", enjoy relaxing weekends, and he was a complete prick. It just wasn't gonna be a match. After assurance that the newer model was without similar defect, and would pay cash money for a now unused room, I finally gave up the "live by myself" lifestyle I had come to know and love to regress to a shared habitat. The first 24 hours were fine, but that seemed to be the maximum amount of time the crazy could be contained.

Me: Can you turn down the TV? It's kinda loud.
P: Yeah. Hey.
Me: What's up?
P: You know Stephanie from Full House? I used to have a crush on her and wrote her a letter. I cried to my mom because she didn't write back.
Me: ...What? That's weird dude.

Yes, just a little "weird", but looking back, it was the canary in the coal mine. Keep in mind that out of 5-10 freaky ass comments, only the appropriate or most random make it here.