Monday, May 28, 2007

George Lucas ain't got nothin'

P: Hey...hey.
Me: Yes?
P: Talk to me.
Me: HA! You're a girl. About what?
P: Did I ever tell you about my movie?
Me: Nope.
P: I'm going to make a movie. It's about a spaceman, in space.
Me: Ok.
P: He falls out of the spaceship and he floats between planets.
Me: A dude just floats by himself in space?
P: Yeah, he has food and water and air. Cool, huh?
Me: Yeah, but you might want to add some action to it.
P: Well, maybe he gets picked up by humans.
Me: Why humans? Aliens!
P: Aliens are everywhere.
Me: I know. Dude, there's one outside right now!
P:
C'mon...you can only see aliens with infrared.
Me: Infrared?
( Looks at me like I am the most un-informed human on the planet )
P: Uh, yeah, because they're usually cloaked.
Me: Cloaked!?
P: Yeah, but even if they're not, they move too fast, you wouldn't be able to see them anyways.
Me: Like Superman!
P: No, Superman is fantasy, c'mon.
Me: Right, we're talking about the REAL beings from another planet that move faster than a speeding bullet.
P: Right.
Me: Do they do anything cool like solve crimes or something?
P: You know what, you never take this seriously.
Me: Sorry.
P: Yeah, just wait until they come, then you WILL be sorry, cause I'll be prepared and you won't.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Latinese

Yet another glorious outburst by P. God bless the weekend. There is a Monk-Morial day marathon on, and P just isn't down with our American school jargon.

Lt. Discher: Monk is coming up, it was Trudy's Alma Mater
Lt. Stottlemayer: Great.
P: What the FUCK!
P: Alma Mater?! Phi beta kappa phi phi beta!
P: What's wrong with you Americans? Making up words all the time?!
Me: It's Latin, and Greek. You guys don't have that?
P: What the F*&^ is Alma Mater?! Think you're sooooo cool with you're FU*(ing words!
Me: It just means you graduated from somewhere, it's vocab, dude.
P: Whatever, where I'm from, we say what we mean.
Me: Wow, taking it a little personal, aren't you?
P: You guys are just trying to make everyone else feel dumb with your secret language.
Me: Latin is the basis of nearly every European language, it's no secret.
P: Well, then....phi beta beta phi phi beta, you guys are dumb.
Me: It's ok, P, we'll get you a hot dog.
P: Weinershnitzel?
Me: Sure.
P: Ok.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Unbreakable

P, being a true believer of the aliens, conspiracies, etc, ensures that one of the constants at our humble home is Unsolved Mysteries. Yes, all of the re-runs on Lifetime for Women from the 1980's are recorded diligently, watched, and studied. The subject of tonight's episode / lesson was "Diabolical Minds". This included the black widow; in this case, a woman who poisoned her victims for cash money...

P: That's BULLSHIT!!
Me: What is?
P: You don't have to die, he's WEAK!
Me: She poisoned him.
P: It only worked cause he's depressed! If someone poisoned me, I'd be fine. My mind would take over!
Me: It's poison, you'd die.
P: No! I'm like Rasputin! I would know, and it wouldn't work, you have no idea.
Me: Do you even know how your body works?
P: I know how my mind works, and it's powerful, it can overpower poison.
Me: Poison shuts down your organs, you...nevermind.
P: I'm like Rasputin, you'll see when I don't die.
Me: Ok, dude, poison doesn't work on you.
( about 30 seconds of silence )
P: Do you think balloons go into space?
Me: What!? HAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Box

It begins with a telephone call...

P: M!
Me: P!
P: I'm at home.
Me: Cool...
P: Yeah, so I'm here, and well, there's a box out front.
Me: Ok...
P: It's addressed to you! What do I do?!
Me: What?
P: Do I bring it back to work? Should I leave it there?
Me: How about take it inside....
P: Good idea! I'll see you at work.

Act II. The Office

P: So, about that box...
Me: Yes?
P: Ummmm....do you want me to open it?
Me: That's ok, I'll do it.
P: It's ok. I'll open it if you want me to.
Me: It's fine, I'll do it.
P: Ok, then just tell me what's in it.
Me: What?
P: If I don't get to open it, then tell me what's in it.
Me: Don't ask questions about the box.
P: What?
Me: As far as anyone here is concerned, there is no box.
P: Oh my god! You promise you'll show me later?!?!
Me: We'll see.....

Thursday, May 24, 2007

So hot right now

P: I just got home!
Me: Yeah?
P: Yeah, I went to N's house.
Me: Did you have fun?
P: Her roommate is so hot.
Me: Yeah?
P: Yeah, she's all tan and her legs.... She's like....like...a camp counselor!
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

He can read minds!

P: You know, when I'm stoned, I can tell what people are thinking.
D: Really? How?
P: Like when someone starts a sentence, I know how it's going to end.
D: Wow. So if you were stoned, you would be able to tell me the end of this; "You are a fucking..."
P: Ummm.......THE MAN!
D: Whoa. You're right, I was going to say "You are a fucking The Man".
P: I told you.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Liar! Liar!

Dedicated to Ree-Anne, a.k.a. RJ

The set up for this one is simple; Liar, Liar is on TV, and my favorite hound is at the house for the weekend. For some reason, Hound who normally loves anything with a heartbeat, is scared to death of P. Cross that with P's gullible ways and the situation is just ripe for parody. Ripe!

TV: "..that for just 1 day, you couldn't tell a lie..."
Me ( to Hound ): Don't worry, I wouldn't lie to you.
Me ( to Hound ): P does though. He lies to you all the time.
P: WHAT! No! I don't lie to her!
Me ( to hound ): Don't listen to him, he could be lying right now.
P: NO!
P ( to Hound ): NO! Don't listen to him! I don't lie to you! I promise.
P: Why are you telling her that?
Me ( to Hound ): Who are you going to believe?
P: I DON'T LIE TO HER!!
P ( to Hound ): I really don't! I don't lie to you!
Hound: WOOF!
Me: See, she knows.
P: F*%^! WHAT ELSE DO YOU TELL HER?!?

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

I can't hold it in anymore....

So P has been fairly normal for the past week. I know, boring, right? My little blog hobby has been put on haitus due to a lack of material. No UFOs, no time travel, no accusing people of being witches ( did I put that one in here, "AHH That's witchcraft!", hmmm, I'll check later ). Anyways,
it has apparently been bottling up and fermenting. After a week of stewing, it all came rushing out...concentrated.

P: FUCK!
Me: What?
P: I HATE TRANSEXUALS!
Me: HA HA. What? Oh, Eddie Izzard? He's a transvestite.
P: They both start with "T". GOD DAMMIT.
Me: Dude, what's happening with you?
P: GOD! I hate this girl! Why is she calling me!?
P: No, I don't, I shouldn't have said that. She's nice.
P: NO! I don't like her! Stop calling me.
P: I don't mean that, it's bad to say.
Me: ...Whoa. You ok?
P: Yeah. I'm gonna call N. I just wanted that time traveler video to be real, you know?
Me: Wow.