Saturday, March 31, 2007

The Bike Incident

Me: What hapanned to you?
P: I fell down the stairs.
Me: We don't have stairs.
P: I fell down the stair in front.
Me: You look like you were hit by a bus. The "stair" out front is a 3 inch step.
P: I had hot dogs in my hand.
Me: What?
P: I tripped on my shoe and saved the hot dogs.
Me: Who does that?

Now, if this was anyone else in the world, I would've called bullsh*t right there. P being P though, "I tripped over my shadow" was believable....

The Next Day....
Person 1:
J: What happaned to you?
P: I crashed M's bike.

Person 2:
S: What did you do to your hand?
P: I crashed M's bike.

Brilliant liar this P....About 20 people later.....

P: So, ummmm......There's something wrong with your bike.
Me: Yeah, I know, it fell down a stair.
P: Yeah, so, thats fine, right?
Me: Nope. You took it without asking, crashed it, then lied about it. You buy it or fix it.
P: It's not my fault! I didnt' mean to crash.
Me: You're retarded. You have a week.
P: Nooo! The important thing is that I'm o.k.
Me: No, it's not. The important thing is that you owe me money or a fixed bike or your homeless.
P: I'll fix it, I'll fix it.
Me: I know, and you'll buy a lock for it too. I've been having problems with people taking it and crashing it.

Not always fun and games when dealing with a crazy person.

Friday, March 30, 2007

The Tron Project - DAY 6

We have a nibble!! Two Trons and 6 days later, we're starting to get some reaction from P. Just when I was starting to believe that I would need to start taking lithium to continue the experiment, P has begun making what I can only describe as "dog jerks it's head after hearing something" movements when the Tron chirps. The P is confused. Looking to me for a reaction, and of course finding none, P returns to his video game after each chirp. Well done Tron, well done. To avoid scaring off P, I've deactivated the Trons until tomorrow when after their rest, they will return to full annoyance levels.

In addition to Tron success, the P was gracious enough to reveal another one of his superpowers to a group of us today at lunch.

P: You know, being able to move things with your mind, it's real.
Me: Ok. Here's my drink, dude, move it.
P: Well, I can't do that, all I can do is make small clouds dissappear.
Me: That has got to be the coolest superpower I've ever heard of. Do it! Do it!
R: There's no clouds.
J: Damn, you are good.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

The Tron Project - DAY 4

The Tron experiment is not going as planned. P is not noticing the beeps unless all external stimuli is ceased. Everyone else within 100 feet of the Tron notices, but not P. It's ok, this is why it's called an experiment. It seems that the parameters of our independent variable in this project need a little re-thinking. So, we shall start anew with my first correction tonight. Two Trons! Another Tron is slated to be added "somewhere" in the house tonight. Will P notice? We shall see.

In other news, the penny collection is steadily growing. Again, I have greatly underestimated P's ability to live in his own universe, oblivious to external stimulus. Luckily, this experiment has a definite end as at some point, P will no longer be able to move around freely as the pennys slowly overtake him. As results come in, so will updates and details.

As for the wireless tragedy of 07, I eventually caved. Am I kind and gentle P sypathizer? No, I could not take the whining anymore.

P: We really need to talk about our problems at home.
Me: What?
P: The wireless issue. I think we should talk this out.
Me: Not the time, dude. I'm in the middle of a project.
( oh yeah, this is all taking place in my office at work )
P: Are you thinking that maybe we shouldn't live together anymore?
Me: Oh my God, get out.
P: I just want you to talk to me like you talk to M!!

...Later that night.....

Me: So, you are saying you want me to switch the encryption back, break my ability to connect to the web, to connect to work, to connect to anything, and do all this so that you can play your video game?
P: You're going to do it?!
Me: I just wanted to see if you would say yes. That's amazing.
P: It is amazing! Thank you!
Me: Not what I meant....But ok. Fine, if it gets you to stop talking about it.

Monday, March 26, 2007

The Tron Project - DAY 3

The Tron was put into place, reactivated, and happily playing it's role by chirping away when a disaster fell upon P. There are a few things in this life that just can't happen to him without a complete shutdown of his system ( from my experience, this consists of pacing, questioning the existence of God, then curling up in the fetal position ). I have seen this before during an interruption in his "mail", and now added to that, a wireless internet connection outage. This leads to the horrible injustice at the house that was the Great Wireless Tragedy of 07.

Now, this wasn't on purpose. It just so happens that I have been sans Internet connectivity for a couple months now due to a re-vamping of my laptop to a new operating system ( I'll spare you non-geeks out there the details ). Today I decided to get my shite together and get up and running but this meant a new driver and a switch to a different encryption on my Linksys. This broke little P's wireless. For some reason his computer doesn't want to accept the switch, and mine just won't function the other way, which left us in a old fashioned Eastwood-esque pistols at sunrise situation.

P: Why'd you change it? It worked before.
Me: Mine didn't work before.
P: But now mine doesn't work.
Me: But now mine does work.
P: But they say if the wheel...doesn't get broke...why fix it? Change it back.
Me: Dude, I pay for it. We'll fix yours later.

Check and mate. P set out calling every technical company he could think of all giving him the same answer "It's not our problem, and why are you calling us when you don't even have our service?" Defeated, P retired to his chair conceding to the fact that the world just isn't a decent place.

Yes, I will help P figure out how to set up his machine, just not at 11:30 on a school night.
Needless to say, the Tron did not even approach showing up on his radar. Tonight was most definitely not the slam.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

The Tron Project - DAY 2

In case you were curious, that is the Annoy-A-Tron, a.k.a. The Tron.

We've moved on to Day 2. Today, other players were to join in on the project that is P. Part of my clan was coming to visit, two sisters and a cousin. They were appropriately briefed to ignore any beeps they might hear, refer to things as "The Slam", as well as not pick up any pennys they come across ( more on that one later, we're gonna see how it pans out ).

Unfortunately, P is a fragile creature and easily frightened. While speaking on the phone with sis, I kept telling him how eager she was to meet him. That she was attractive, single and looking. This frightened P into his room, never to emerge again.

* Note to self, be careful when setting up humurous hijinks with P, he is spooked easily and may just hide out until the danger has passed.

I apologize and take full responsibility for the lack of Tron update today.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

The Tron Project - DAY 1

So it seems our intrepid protagonist P is adapting to his surroundings. Fewer creepy comments, less blurting, and fewer questions about the nature of aliens. Am I just getting used to it? Is he learning the ways of other humans? Whatever it is, I'm just not as amused as I used to be, therefore, I've started a couple of "social experiments" to add to the fun at the Mattchelor Pad. Project number the first, The Tron.

The Tron is a tiny little device that emits a beep every 10-12 minutes or so. The experiment is this, what happens when said Tron is placed in the living room to beep it's little heart out, but I hear no beep? Beep? I heard nothing, perhaps it's all in your head. Hilarity ensues, that's what happans.

Day 1:.

The Tron has been strategically placed and activated. Living up to it's name, it's fricken' annoying. There are three settings on our Tron toy; beep, screech, and alternate between beep and screech. I chose to have it alternate, a.k.a. the "Dear god make it stop" setting. Unfortunately, three hours and about 20 beeps in, there is no reaction. P is more oblivious than I originally anticipated...But hey, that's what experiments are for. I, on the other hand, am quite ready to kill the Tron or myself at this point so I decided to make it a little more obvious. I shut off the TV right before a beep interval.

P: Why'd you turn off the TV?
Me: I'm reading something, I need to concentrate.
P: What was that?
Me: What was what?
P: The beep.
Me: I turned off the TV.
P: After that.
Me: After what?
P: It beeped.
Me: What beeped?
P: Nevermind.

Excellent :)

Oh, on a side note, I've starting referring to everything I like as "The Slam" to see if he starts using it, I was inspired while eating breakfast at Denny's.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

His heart will go on

So I guess it's over. No more J for our crazy friend P. After lunch sometime last week, we were getting out of her car and P was outside on one of his half-hourly smoke breaks;

P: Hey, J, is that your car?
J: No, P, I stole that car. Damn. I almost got away with it too.
P: Ok.
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, that was quite the event in the world of P.

P: I'm over J.
Me: You are?
P: Yeah. I'm going to admit it, I had a thing for her.
Me: No way!
P: Yeah, I did.
Me: You hid it well.
P: I know, but after today, it's over.
Me: Today?
P: Yeah, that car thing.
Me: It was a joke, and it was funny, get over it.
P: No, women shouldn't talk to me like that.
Me: Yeah, they should know their place. Well, that's too bad, I hope that some day she'll heal.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

It's working! She's coming around!

P: Maybe I'll get a motorcycle.
J: Don't get a motorcycle. It's the fastest way to become an organ doner.
P: Wait. Wait. So you're saying that you care if I die?
Me: Way to grasp, dude.
J: ...
P: Wicked.


P: So J is really warming up to me. She talked to me today AND told me she cares about me.
Me: You got that from...
P: Yeah, I knew she would come around if I gave her some time.
Me: Yeah, you're right. Well done.

Man crush theory: 4
Crush on J story: 3

It's a gettin' close...J is making a strong come back


One of the fun and interesting traits of our subject P is that he has no recognition of existing conversations. This was one of those occasions.

Me: ...I don't know, you've probably got a RAM issue, but....
Me: What?
P: That's from Top Gun.
Me: Yeah, I know, where'd that come from though? Cause you're wearing aviator glasses?
P: No, cause you look like Goose and I look like Tom Cruise.
Me: I don't look like Goose. And who told you you look like Tom Cruise?
P: No one had to.
Me: Ok...
P: Yeah, we should put on a Top Gun skit.
Me: Ok. I'll go get the video camera, you think about what scene you want to do...
P: This is gonna be awesome!
Me: I was being sarcas..nevermind. Just, go over there.

And if you're curious as to what P looks like, it's the complete opposite of that pic of TC.

I'm a big ol' meanie

Me: You want to watch Mission Impossible 3? I have it.
Guest: Yeah.
Me: Ok, I'll put it on.
P: I didn't know you had this.
Me: Mission Impossible 3? Yeah, I bought it awhile ago.
P: No, World Trade Center.
Me: What? No, I don't have that.
P: Then what's this movie?
Guest: Really?
Me: Are you serious?
P: You're so frustrating.
Me: Dude, Mission Impossible 3. I just said it like 10 times, the theme music is playing and the screen says MI3, I thought you knew.
P: You make me figure everything out on my own.
Guest: Wow.
Me: Yeah, I know.

The Top

P: I need a new name for my online character.
Me: Ok. What kinda name?
P: Something everyone will hate.
Me: Hitler.
P: I already have a Hitler, and two Adolfs.
Me: Carrot Top.
P: I can't do that.
Me: Why not?
P: He has muscles.