Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Clippy - Day 2

As clippy continues to bestow his knowledge and observations unto P, our subject seems to be adapting, or so I thought. It appears that P, much like with the Tron, prefers to bottle his frustrations until no more can be contained and a geyser of concentrated frustration, profanity, and much needed criticism is erupted onto all in the vicinity. Of course, if I'm not in the vicinity, I am quickly summoned.

P: M!
Me: What?
P: FOCK!
Me: WHAT, dude?
P: Get it off!
Me: What?
P: The paperclip! He won't shut up.
( to computer now ) SHUT UP!!!!
Me: The Office guy?
P: YES! He started saying stupid $h&* all the time!
Me: I think there was an update or something.
P: God dammit! I KNOW MY COMPUTER IS ON!!!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Clippy - Day 1


In the interest of science, I have decided that another experiment should befall our favorite unwitting subject, P. In traditional M manner, I have chosen to find the thresholds of annoyance. Of course, I would never do such a thing solely for my own amusement, this is for the betterment of mankind ( I don't know how yet, but I'm sure it has to be ).

Enter Clippy. Clippy is a Desktop program. It imitates that dumb paperclip guy that pops up and tells you to save your document or that by right clicking you can unravel a magical world of excting Office options. Clippy, however, is not as helpful and tends to just make observations such as;
"You appear to be connected to the internet"
"I see that you have been using your mouse"
"Your computer seems to be turned on"
"Background processing has rated your typing speed to be below normal"

As for our first day, Clippy has been set to pop up every minute, and so far has elicited such gems as "I F&%*ING KNOW! Why is this thing telling me this!" "I HATE YOU!!" and "I think he's out to get me"

Priceless. How long will this last? We shall see.

P.S. I found Clippy here;
http://www.rjlsoftware.com/software/entertainment/clippy/
Knock yourselves out.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Everywhere, like..such as....maps


P: M! Have you heard about the Bohemian Grove?
M: No, P. I haven't.
P: All the world leaders go there once a year and worship a giant owl.
M: Where is it?
P: It's in northern California.
M: Where in northern California?
P: Oregon.
M: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Monday, December 10, 2007

I'm confused

P: M! So...I didn't change your last name in my phone.
Me: That makes sense, P. I haven't changed my last name.
P: Yeah.
Me: Why is that news? What else haven't you done?

What makes a P a P?

Ok, the humor of this one might be lost on others, but I have to post it because it is a perfect example of what makes him "P". There was no thinking involved, this was his reflex answer.

Me: So, P. If you had a dog what would you name it?
P: Gisseppe.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WHAT?!

Not Max, not Jake, not Buddy, Shadow, Lucky or Duke. Gisseppe. Awesome.

A Whole New World

P: I like your jacket.
Me: Thanks, dude.
P: Yeah, you can go to the movies with it.
Me: Wow. I never thought of that. I wonder what else I can do now. Thanks.
P: No problem.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Ok, ok, a P story

Ive decided that today's post is going to be themed. Phone calls, to be precise. Here are two phone calls I've received in the last couple of days that left me with a general feeling of "Did he really just call me for that?"

This one came in at about midnight on a school night.

Me: Hello?
P: M!
Me: P? You ok?
P: My car! The key is stuck in the ignition!
Me: Ummm, ok. Where are you?
P: At N's house.
Me: What? You're at a house?
P: I don't know what to do!
Me: Call AAA, dude.
P: Yeah, that's what N said to do.
Me: Dude! What do you think I can do that AAA can't?
P: Ummm, yeah, so I'll call them.
Me: Uh, yeah. Seriously, P.
P: BYE!

I was not the only person telling this tale of woe the next day, apparently the cell phone network was all a flutter with P's distress signals, the last of which went to AAA...

Phone call number two....

Me: Bueno.
P: M! It's P!
Me: What's up, P?
P: I can't connect to the internet!
Me: Oh, you at the office? Is it down?
P: No, I'm at home.
Me:...
P: What do I do?!
Me: Figure it out.
P: Listen, listen. M. I can't get to Google.
Me: Dude, just reset or something.
P: I CAN'T GET TO GOOGLE!
Me: I'm eating, P. You'll survive.
P: Fine. Fine. I guess I'll just figure it out or just have no internet.
Me: Martyr much?
P: What?
Me: Nothing, I'll talk to you later.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Reader Response Number the First

Some responses to questions, comments, and emails.

"You have got to be making this s*&t up."
Nope. Sometimes I create atmosphere ( Tron, Pennies, etc. ), but all this happened.

"You have to be the most boring and humorless roommate ever" -Caitlin
Ouch. Well, then don't live with me. Oh, and I hate you.

"What happened with the pennies!?"
Well, someone came over and said, "WTF is up with all these pennies?" That kinda spoiled the surprise for P. He scratched his head and pointed them out to me a bunch ( post "Effing pay dirt" ), but the experiment was halted then.

"You're the weird one, P is an evil genius"
You have no idea how happy that would make me. If I found out he was playing me this whole time.....I giggle with school girl glee just thinking about it.

"You spelled x wrong, you used the wrong tense of y"
It's an effing blog, not a grammar text book, so go away.

"I thought you were a woman too"
Hmmm. Guess things like "school girl glee" aren't helping my cause are they? I AM a dude.

"Can I link to you?"
Why not?

"Do I know you, you sound like blah?"
Maybe. How many Matts in Los Angeles do you know?

"Post a picture!"
Anonymity is P's friend.

"Sounds like P is dangerous"
Nah. He's not the kind of crazy to put on a ball gown and torch the building or something. Just unique.

"You're an idiot, it's not Canadia"
HAHAHAHA. Yeah, I'M the idiot. Dumbass.

If I missed any, email me. I'll get them next round.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

So effing frustrating

The post refers to the bike referenced in The Bike Incident

P: Can I buy your bike?
Me: For how much?
P: How much did it cost?
Me: $2700.
P: What?!
Me: It's a nice bike. It got me to school and work every day for like 2 years, I wanted a good one.
P: Ok, how much do you want?
Me: What do you think is fair?
P: Well, it was in an accident.
Me: Holy crap, dude. YOU were the one that crashed it!
P: Still, it was crashed, it's not new.
Me: So you're saying I should expect less money from you because it was in an accident that you caused?
P: Why do you make everything I say sound stupid?
Me: All I'm doing is summarizing what you said, if you think it's dumb...
P: Fine, how about $300.
Me: Dude, $300 for a $2700 bike?
P: Well, it was in an accident.
Me: Oh my God, P, you're going to make me shoot myself in the face.
P: Fine $1200.
Me: Ok, that sounds like a deal.
P: Ok.

::: Next Day :::

P: Listen, I can't be held responsible for this bike.
Me: What, your new bike?
P: Yeah, I don't want it.
Me: Honestly, P. You're killing me here.
P: Ok, good, so it's your bike, cause I don't want it.
Me: If you didn't want it, why did you ask if you could.....nevermind. Yes, P, it's still my bike.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Return of P

The following took place at about 4am...

* thump * .... * THUMP * THUMP * THUMP! *
P: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Me: P?
P: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
* THUMP * THUMP * THUMP *
Me: P! HEY! YOU OK!
P: I'M OK! I'M * THUMP * THUMP * OK!
Me: What the hell is going on?
P: I'm ok! My shield fell down.
Me: Your "shield"?!
P: I built a shield to keep the bad guys out, it's ok, it just fell on me.
Me: You have got to be f&*%ing kidding me. I'm going back to sleep.

The shield consisted of several layers of blankets and cardboard propped up over the windows to "keep out the bad guys". Unfortunately, our friend P is not a master craftsman and the integrity of the shield was compromised due to the overpowering force of P's nighttime pocket fan. My fingers are crossed for shield version 2, and hopefully, I will be able to post pictures of a complex system of levers and pulleys.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

He's Back!

Our friend P has returned from his jaunt to Canadia, and as if trying to say "I missed you, M" in his own special way...

P: Did you buy something new?
Me: I dunno. Like what?
P: You smell different. Like cologne or something?
Me: Ummm...no.....Do I smell like "gym"?
P: Maybe. It smells good. You have a nice musk.
Me: Wow. That's creepy, dude.

Clarification

From the Yahoo directory listing at http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Humor/Blogs/

  • My Crazy Roommate [new]
    A woman blogs about her totally insane roommate.
    www.mycrazyroommate.com

  • I am sooo not a woman, wtf? I don't think I have the words to accurately paint the picture of the "Are you serious" expression that is on my face, so I will do so with this picture of Arnold Drummond.


    -M

    Monday, June 11, 2007

    If she weighs the same as a duck...

    As requested by anon, the witchcraft incident...

    C: When is his birthday?
    Me: Late February, why?
    C: I'm gonna try something...

    P: Hi! I'm P!
    C: Nice to meet you.
    P: So you guys know about aliens, right?
    C: Aliens?
    P: Yes!
    C: Ok...did you recently have a change in your life?
    P: YES!
    C: You're a Pisces, aren't you?
    P: HOLY SH**! YOU'RE A WITCH!
    C: No, it's a gift.
    P: WITCHCRAFT!
    C: Wait..calm down, I was kidding, M told me...
    P: JESUS!
    Me: Dude. Dude! Calm down, she's not a witch, it was a joke...
    P: M! I learned about people like her. She can do witchcraft. Be careful!!
    Me: * sigh * See I told you.
    C: Wow. I thought you were exaggerating.

    Monday, June 4, 2007

    Puss in boots ain't got $hit on me

    P: How long would it take to drive to Canada from here?
    Me: I dunno, maybe 2 days.
    P: AAAHHH! DON'T DO THAT!
    Me: What! What did I do?
    P: Look at me like that, you're freaking me out!
    Me: What?
    P: With the big eyes. STOP IT!
    Me: What? Did I raise my eyebrows or something? I was guessing, it was a reflex.
    P: STOP LOOKING AT ME!
    Me: DUDE! I make eye contact with people I'm talking to, sorry.
    P: But your eyes are so big!
    Me: HAHAHAH Sorry. I won't look at you.
    P: You must have been a beautiful baby boy with those big blue eyes.
    Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    Saturday, June 2, 2007

    I guess I'm going to hell, but it's so easy...

    P: I have to go back to Canada.
    Me: You mean Canadia?
    P: No, it's called Canada.
    Me: Aren't you Canadian?
    P: Yeah.
    Me: I'm American, that means I'm from America. You're Canadian, doesn't that mean you're from Canadia?
    P: Oh....well, maybe.
    Me: Yeah, that's what I thought, you better get your facts straight.
    P: Shit.
    Me: Yeah, good luck getting back, you don't even know what country you're from.

    If you're friends with P, well then you're friends with me

    I have to admit, I've just been waiting to use that tag line. I'm a media whore, so what? Well, anyways, apparently the blog is quite popular amongst those who know the P and here's a submission from a mutual acquaintance.

    J, S and M2 sitting in a room....

    P: Is it true that a yeast infection smells like brussel sprouts?
    J: WHAT?!
    P: Brussel sprouts, I have no experience.
    S: Umm....Yeah, exactly like that.
    J: I mean, yeah, you didn't know that?
    P: Ok. So those are the long green things with the stuff at the end?
    M2: No, that's asparagus, they're like small round things with a bunch of leaves.
    P: OH! Miniature cabbage!
    J: Yeah, they look like that.
    P: No, that's what it's actually called.
    M2: No, it's brussel sprouts.
    P: Umm, no, in Canada we call it the real name, miniature cabbage.
    M2: You serious? You're fucking with us.
    P: No. If you guys don't know it's not my fault.
    J: So if I go to Canada and ask for "miniature cabbage" I'll get that?
    P: Well, umm......you don't know anything!!!!
    * storms out of the room *
    J: Wow. I'm writing that one down.

    Monday, May 28, 2007

    George Lucas ain't got nothin'

    P: Hey...hey.
    Me: Yes?
    P: Talk to me.
    Me: HA! You're a girl. About what?
    P: Did I ever tell you about my movie?
    Me: Nope.
    P: I'm going to make a movie. It's about a spaceman, in space.
    Me: Ok.
    P: He falls out of the spaceship and he floats between planets.
    Me: A dude just floats by himself in space?
    P: Yeah, he has food and water and air. Cool, huh?
    Me: Yeah, but you might want to add some action to it.
    P: Well, maybe he gets picked up by humans.
    Me: Why humans? Aliens!
    P: Aliens are everywhere.
    Me: I know. Dude, there's one outside right now!
    P:
    C'mon...you can only see aliens with infrared.
    Me: Infrared?
    ( Looks at me like I am the most un-informed human on the planet )
    P: Uh, yeah, because they're usually cloaked.
    Me: Cloaked!?
    P: Yeah, but even if they're not, they move too fast, you wouldn't be able to see them anyways.
    Me: Like Superman!
    P: No, Superman is fantasy, c'mon.
    Me: Right, we're talking about the REAL beings from another planet that move faster than a speeding bullet.
    P: Right.
    Me: Do they do anything cool like solve crimes or something?
    P: You know what, you never take this seriously.
    Me: Sorry.
    P: Yeah, just wait until they come, then you WILL be sorry, cause I'll be prepared and you won't.

    Sunday, May 27, 2007

    Latinese

    Yet another glorious outburst by P. God bless the weekend. There is a Monk-Morial day marathon on, and P just isn't down with our American school jargon.

    Lt. Discher: Monk is coming up, it was Trudy's Alma Mater
    Lt. Stottlemayer: Great.
    P: What the FUCK!
    P: Alma Mater?! Phi beta kappa phi phi beta!
    P: What's wrong with you Americans? Making up words all the time?!
    Me: It's Latin, and Greek. You guys don't have that?
    P: What the F*&^ is Alma Mater?! Think you're sooooo cool with you're FU*(ing words!
    Me: It just means you graduated from somewhere, it's vocab, dude.
    P: Whatever, where I'm from, we say what we mean.
    Me: Wow, taking it a little personal, aren't you?
    P: You guys are just trying to make everyone else feel dumb with your secret language.
    Me: Latin is the basis of nearly every European language, it's no secret.
    P: Well, then....phi beta beta phi phi beta, you guys are dumb.
    Me: It's ok, P, we'll get you a hot dog.
    P: Weinershnitzel?
    Me: Sure.
    P: Ok.

    Saturday, May 26, 2007

    Unbreakable

    P, being a true believer of the aliens, conspiracies, etc, ensures that one of the constants at our humble home is Unsolved Mysteries. Yes, all of the re-runs on Lifetime for Women from the 1980's are recorded diligently, watched, and studied. The subject of tonight's episode / lesson was "Diabolical Minds". This included the black widow; in this case, a woman who poisoned her victims for cash money...

    P: That's BULLSHIT!!
    Me: What is?
    P: You don't have to die, he's WEAK!
    Me: She poisoned him.
    P: It only worked cause he's depressed! If someone poisoned me, I'd be fine. My mind would take over!
    Me: It's poison, you'd die.
    P: No! I'm like Rasputin! I would know, and it wouldn't work, you have no idea.
    Me: Do you even know how your body works?
    P: I know how my mind works, and it's powerful, it can overpower poison.
    Me: Poison shuts down your organs, you...nevermind.
    P: I'm like Rasputin, you'll see when I don't die.
    Me: Ok, dude, poison doesn't work on you.
    ( about 30 seconds of silence )
    P: Do you think balloons go into space?
    Me: What!? HAHAHAHAHAHHAAH

    Friday, May 25, 2007

    The Box

    It begins with a telephone call...

    P: M!
    Me: P!
    P: I'm at home.
    Me: Cool...
    P: Yeah, so I'm here, and well, there's a box out front.
    Me: Ok...
    P: It's addressed to you! What do I do?!
    Me: What?
    P: Do I bring it back to work? Should I leave it there?
    Me: How about take it inside....
    P: Good idea! I'll see you at work.

    Act II. The Office

    P: So, about that box...
    Me: Yes?
    P: Ummmm....do you want me to open it?
    Me: That's ok, I'll do it.
    P: It's ok. I'll open it if you want me to.
    Me: It's fine, I'll do it.
    P: Ok, then just tell me what's in it.
    Me: What?
    P: If I don't get to open it, then tell me what's in it.
    Me: Don't ask questions about the box.
    P: What?
    Me: As far as anyone here is concerned, there is no box.
    P: Oh my god! You promise you'll show me later?!?!
    Me: We'll see.....

    Thursday, May 24, 2007

    So hot right now

    P: I just got home!
    Me: Yeah?
    P: Yeah, I went to N's house.
    Me: Did you have fun?
    P: Her roommate is so hot.
    Me: Yeah?
    P: Yeah, she's all tan and her legs.... She's like....like...a camp counselor!
    Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    He can read minds!

    P: You know, when I'm stoned, I can tell what people are thinking.
    D: Really? How?
    P: Like when someone starts a sentence, I know how it's going to end.
    D: Wow. So if you were stoned, you would be able to tell me the end of this; "You are a fucking..."
    P: Ummm.......THE MAN!
    D: Whoa. You're right, I was going to say "You are a fucking The Man".
    P: I told you.

    Monday, May 14, 2007

    Liar! Liar!

    Dedicated to Ree-Anne, a.k.a. RJ

    The set up for this one is simple; Liar, Liar is on TV, and my favorite hound is at the house for the weekend. For some reason, Hound who normally loves anything with a heartbeat, is scared to death of P. Cross that with P's gullible ways and the situation is just ripe for parody. Ripe!

    TV: "..that for just 1 day, you couldn't tell a lie..."
    Me ( to Hound ): Don't worry, I wouldn't lie to you.
    Me ( to Hound ): P does though. He lies to you all the time.
    P: WHAT! No! I don't lie to her!
    Me ( to hound ): Don't listen to him, he could be lying right now.
    P: NO!
    P ( to Hound ): NO! Don't listen to him! I don't lie to you! I promise.
    P: Why are you telling her that?
    Me ( to Hound ): Who are you going to believe?
    P: I DON'T LIE TO HER!!
    P ( to Hound ): I really don't! I don't lie to you!
    Hound: WOOF!
    Me: See, she knows.
    P: F*%^! WHAT ELSE DO YOU TELL HER?!?

    Wednesday, May 2, 2007

    I can't hold it in anymore....

    So P has been fairly normal for the past week. I know, boring, right? My little blog hobby has been put on haitus due to a lack of material. No UFOs, no time travel, no accusing people of being witches ( did I put that one in here, "AHH That's witchcraft!", hmmm, I'll check later ). Anyways,
    it has apparently been bottling up and fermenting. After a week of stewing, it all came rushing out...concentrated.

    P: FUCK!
    Me: What?
    P: I HATE TRANSEXUALS!
    Me: HA HA. What? Oh, Eddie Izzard? He's a transvestite.
    P: They both start with "T". GOD DAMMIT.
    Me: Dude, what's happening with you?
    P: GOD! I hate this girl! Why is she calling me!?
    P: No, I don't, I shouldn't have said that. She's nice.
    P: NO! I don't like her! Stop calling me.
    P: I don't mean that, it's bad to say.
    Me: ...Whoa. You ok?
    P: Yeah. I'm gonna call N. I just wanted that time traveler video to be real, you know?
    Me: Wow.

    Tuesday, April 24, 2007

    2012

    One of P's favorite conspiracy genre theories is that the world is going to end in 2012. Validation came last night while watching Heroes.

    Subtitle: 5 years from now...
    Hiro: The bomb, it went off...

    P: HOLY SHIT!!!! 2012! I TOLD YOU!!
    Me: It's a tv show.
    P: I'M A FUCKING GENIUS!
    Me: Guess so. You know, maybe they're just playing into that whole 2012 thing.
    P: NO! It's a sign.
    Me: You're probably right...

    Monday, April 23, 2007

    Miracles and Modern Medicine

    Unfortunately, I was only on the listening side of the phone call, so the conversation is one sided...

    P: Yeah, she was great.
    ........
    P: Yeah, I would recommend her.
    ........
    P: Yeah, I feel so much better, it's like my lungs are filled with air!

    Performance Anxiety

    P: When I was 16, I used to work handing out pretzel pieces in the mall.
    Me: That sounds like fun.
    P: Yeah, there was this girl there that I liked, so I told her I could move things with my mind.
    Me: That would do it for me.
    P: She asked me to show her.
    Me: Well, yeah.
    P: See, but I told her that because I thought I really could if I tried hard enough.
    Me: Did you show her?
    P: Oh, it ended up I couldn't do it, so I told her I'd show her later. It sucked.

    Saturday, April 21, 2007

    I got no legs

    C: Yes, kind of like the one by the restaurant we went to...
    P: It would suck not to have any legs, huh?
    Me: Yeah.
    P: I mean, no legs, can you imagine?
    Me: That would suck.
    P: Here I am worrying about a car when there's people out there with no legs.

    Monday, April 16, 2007

    The Pick up Artist

    I needed a little entertainment for the night, so a bar hopping I was to go. It was suggested that I take P along. Why not? Hijinks were surely to ensue. We arrived, we sat, we drank, and sure enough, groups of females began to arrive. One particular group of three was within 10 feet of us for about 30 seconds before P was beside himself.

    P: I'm gonna go talk to them.
    Me: Go!
    P: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
    Me: .......k
    P: OH! I got it!

    P: Hey, so, ummmmm.....you girls decided to go out tonight?
    G: Uh, yeah.
    P: I'm Canadian. Someday I want to go to Oregon cause that's where they filmed The Goonies.
    G: Wow.

    He's in! Magic! I have never seen anything like it. Soon, the "who'd you come with" brings me into the mix and we're all chatting away....Apparently, the crazy comes across as amusing and obviously harmless for the exact amount of time that is needed for me to be introduced, then attention shifts to the "sane" guy, yours truly. It's brilliant!! Anyways, P showed particular interest in one of the girls, and before I knew it she was asking me, "Where'd P go?"

    Me: What? I dunno, maybe to go smoke or something...

    10 minutes pass.....

    G: Where's your friend?
    Me: I dunno maybe he met some people....

    10 more minutes pass....

    TEXT FROM P: "I'm at home. I got scared."
    TEXT FROM ME: "What? I'm still here talking to these girls"
    TEXT FROM P: "I am interested in N. Can you get her number for me"
    TEXT FROM ME: "I'll do my best"

    Honestly, I couldn't make this up even if I tried.

    Sunday, April 1, 2007

    The Tron - Day 15 - Effing pay dirt

    It's about fricken' time! First, the Tron...

    Tron: BEEP!
    P: WHAT IS THAT?!
    Me: What is what?
    P: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Always beeping! For two fucking weeks!
    Me: What's beeping?
    P: I don't know! The piano, I think. You don't hear it?
    Me: Pianos don't beep.
    P: I think you DO hear it.
    Me: That? That's the TV, they're clinking their glasses.
    P: No! Not that! The "BEEP". It beeps here, it beeps in my room, it beeps at the office.
    Me: My piano beeps in your room and in the office?
    P: ...No, I guess that can't happen.
    Tron: BEEP!
    P: That!
    Me: What?
    P: Nevermind, I guess it's nothing.
    Me: You've been hearing beeping for two weeks, and it follows you, and you haven't said anything?
    P: I was hoping that if I didn't say anything that it would go away and leave me alone.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Second score...

    P: M!
    Me: WHAT!?
    P: Pennies! There's all these pennies out front!
    Me: That's weird.
    P: You put them there. You put pennies.
    Me: Why would I put pennies?
    P: Who put pennies!?
    Me: I don't know!
    P: There's pennies!
    Me: You told me!
    P: What does it mean?
    Me: I don't know....but that's really weird...
    P: Yeah.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Saturday, March 31, 2007

    The Bike Incident

    Me: What hapanned to you?
    P: I fell down the stairs.
    Me: We don't have stairs.
    P: I fell down the stair in front.
    Me: You look like you were hit by a bus. The "stair" out front is a 3 inch step.
    P: I had hot dogs in my hand.
    Me: What?
    P: I tripped on my shoe and saved the hot dogs.
    Me: Who does that?

    Now, if this was anyone else in the world, I would've called bullsh*t right there. P being P though, "I tripped over my shadow" was believable....

    The Next Day....
    Person 1:
    J: What happaned to you?
    P: I crashed M's bike.

    Person 2:
    S: What did you do to your hand?
    P: I crashed M's bike.

    Brilliant liar this P....About 20 people later.....

    P: So, ummmm......There's something wrong with your bike.
    Me: Yeah, I know, it fell down a stair.
    P: Yeah, so, thats fine, right?
    Me: Nope. You took it without asking, crashed it, then lied about it. You buy it or fix it.
    P: It's not my fault! I didnt' mean to crash.
    Me: You're retarded. You have a week.
    P: Nooo! The important thing is that I'm o.k.
    Me: No, it's not. The important thing is that you owe me money or a fixed bike or your homeless.
    P: I'll fix it, I'll fix it.
    Me: I know, and you'll buy a lock for it too. I've been having problems with people taking it and crashing it.

    Not always fun and games when dealing with a crazy person.

    Friday, March 30, 2007

    The Tron Project - DAY 6

    We have a nibble!! Two Trons and 6 days later, we're starting to get some reaction from P. Just when I was starting to believe that I would need to start taking lithium to continue the experiment, P has begun making what I can only describe as "dog jerks it's head after hearing something" movements when the Tron chirps. The P is confused. Looking to me for a reaction, and of course finding none, P returns to his video game after each chirp. Well done Tron, well done. To avoid scaring off P, I've deactivated the Trons until tomorrow when after their rest, they will return to full annoyance levels.

    In addition to Tron success, the P was gracious enough to reveal another one of his superpowers to a group of us today at lunch.

    P: You know, being able to move things with your mind, it's real.
    Me: Ok. Here's my drink, dude, move it.
    P: Well, I can't do that, all I can do is make small clouds dissappear.
    Me: That has got to be the coolest superpower I've ever heard of. Do it! Do it!
    R: There's no clouds.
    J: Damn, you are good.

    Wednesday, March 28, 2007

    The Tron Project - DAY 4

    The Tron experiment is not going as planned. P is not noticing the beeps unless all external stimuli is ceased. Everyone else within 100 feet of the Tron notices, but not P. It's ok, this is why it's called an experiment. It seems that the parameters of our independent variable in this project need a little re-thinking. So, we shall start anew with my first correction tonight. Two Trons! Another Tron is slated to be added "somewhere" in the house tonight. Will P notice? We shall see.

    In other news, the penny collection is steadily growing. Again, I have greatly underestimated P's ability to live in his own universe, oblivious to external stimulus. Luckily, this experiment has a definite end as at some point, P will no longer be able to move around freely as the pennys slowly overtake him. As results come in, so will updates and details.

    As for the wireless tragedy of 07, I eventually caved. Am I kind and gentle P sypathizer? No, I could not take the whining anymore.

    P: We really need to talk about our problems at home.
    Me: What?
    P: The wireless issue. I think we should talk this out.
    Me: Not the time, dude. I'm in the middle of a project.
    ( oh yeah, this is all taking place in my office at work )
    P: Are you thinking that maybe we shouldn't live together anymore?
    Me: Oh my God, get out.
    P: I just want you to talk to me like you talk to M!!
    Me: OH MY GOD GET OUT!

    ...Later that night.....

    Me: So, you are saying you want me to switch the encryption back, break my ability to connect to the web, to connect to work, to connect to anything, and do all this so that you can play your video game?
    P: You're going to do it?!
    Me: I just wanted to see if you would say yes. That's amazing.
    P: It is amazing! Thank you!
    Me: Not what I meant....But ok. Fine, if it gets you to stop talking about it.
    P: WICKED!!!!

    Monday, March 26, 2007

    The Tron Project - DAY 3

    The Tron was put into place, reactivated, and happily playing it's role by chirping away when a disaster fell upon P. There are a few things in this life that just can't happen to him without a complete shutdown of his system ( from my experience, this consists of pacing, questioning the existence of God, then curling up in the fetal position ). I have seen this before during an interruption in his "mail", and now added to that, a wireless internet connection outage. This leads to the horrible injustice at the house that was the Great Wireless Tragedy of 07.

    Now, this wasn't on purpose. It just so happens that I have been sans Internet connectivity for a couple months now due to a re-vamping of my laptop to a new operating system ( I'll spare you non-geeks out there the details ). Today I decided to get my shite together and get up and running but this meant a new driver and a switch to a different encryption on my Linksys. This broke little P's wireless. For some reason his computer doesn't want to accept the switch, and mine just won't function the other way, which left us in a old fashioned Eastwood-esque pistols at sunrise situation.

    P: Why'd you change it? It worked before.
    Me: Mine didn't work before.
    P: But now mine doesn't work.
    Me: But now mine does work.
    P: But they say if the wheel...doesn't get broke...why fix it? Change it back.
    Me: Dude, I pay for it. We'll fix yours later.

    Check and mate. P set out calling every technical company he could think of all giving him the same answer "It's not our problem, and why are you calling us when you don't even have our service?" Defeated, P retired to his chair conceding to the fact that the world just isn't a decent place.

    Yes, I will help P figure out how to set up his machine, just not at 11:30 on a school night.
    Needless to say, the Tron did not even approach showing up on his radar. Tonight was most definitely not the slam.

    Sunday, March 25, 2007

    The Tron Project - DAY 2


    In case you were curious, that is the Annoy-A-Tron, a.k.a. The Tron.

    We've moved on to Day 2. Today, other players were to join in on the project that is P. Part of my clan was coming to visit, two sisters and a cousin. They were appropriately briefed to ignore any beeps they might hear, refer to things as "The Slam", as well as not pick up any pennys they come across ( more on that one later, we're gonna see how it pans out ).

    Unfortunately, P is a fragile creature and easily frightened. While speaking on the phone with sis, I kept telling him how eager she was to meet him. That she was attractive, single and looking. This frightened P into his room, never to emerge again.

    * Note to self, be careful when setting up humurous hijinks with P, he is spooked easily and may just hide out until the danger has passed.

    I apologize and take full responsibility for the lack of Tron update today.

    Saturday, March 24, 2007

    The Tron Project - DAY 1

    So it seems our intrepid protagonist P is adapting to his surroundings. Fewer creepy comments, less blurting, and fewer questions about the nature of aliens. Am I just getting used to it? Is he learning the ways of other humans? Whatever it is, I'm just not as amused as I used to be, therefore, I've started a couple of "social experiments" to add to the fun at the Mattchelor Pad. Project number the first, The Tron.

    The Tron is a tiny little device that emits a beep every 10-12 minutes or so. The experiment is this, what happens when said Tron is placed in the living room to beep it's little heart out, but I hear no beep? Beep? I heard nothing, perhaps it's all in your head. Hilarity ensues, that's what happans.

    Day 1:.

    The Tron has been strategically placed and activated. Living up to it's name, it's fricken' annoying. There are three settings on our Tron toy; beep, screech, and alternate between beep and screech. I chose to have it alternate, a.k.a. the "Dear god make it stop" setting. Unfortunately, three hours and about 20 beeps in, there is no reaction. P is more oblivious than I originally anticipated...But hey, that's what experiments are for. I, on the other hand, am quite ready to kill the Tron or myself at this point so I decided to make it a little more obvious. I shut off the TV right before a beep interval.

    P: Why'd you turn off the TV?
    Me: I'm reading something, I need to concentrate.
    Tron: SCREECH!
    P: What was that?
    Me: What was what?
    P: The beep.
    Me: I turned off the TV.
    P: After that.
    Me: After what?
    P: It beeped.
    Me: What beeped?
    P: Nevermind.

    Excellent :)

    Oh, on a side note, I've starting referring to everything I like as "The Slam" to see if he starts using it, I was inspired while eating breakfast at Denny's.

    Thursday, March 22, 2007

    His heart will go on

    So I guess it's over. No more J for our crazy friend P. After lunch sometime last week, we were getting out of her car and P was outside on one of his half-hourly smoke breaks;

    P: Hey, J, is that your car?
    J: No, P, I stole that car. Damn. I almost got away with it too.
    P: Ok.
    Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    Well, that was quite the event in the world of P.

    P: I'm over J.
    Me: You are?
    P: Yeah. I'm going to admit it, I had a thing for her.
    Me: No way!
    P: Yeah, I did.
    Me: You hid it well.
    P: I know, but after today, it's over.
    Me: Today?
    P: Yeah, that car thing.
    Me: It was a joke, and it was funny, get over it.
    P: No, women shouldn't talk to me like that.
    Me: Yeah, they should know their place. Well, that's too bad, I hope that some day she'll heal.

    Saturday, March 10, 2007

    It's working! She's coming around!

    P: Maybe I'll get a motorcycle.
    J: Don't get a motorcycle. It's the fastest way to become an organ doner.
    P: Wait. Wait. So you're saying that you care if I die?
    Me: Way to grasp, dude.
    J: ...
    P: Wicked.

    ...Later...

    P: So J is really warming up to me. She talked to me today AND told me she cares about me.
    Me: You got that from...
    P: Yeah, I knew she would come around if I gave her some time.
    Me: Yeah, you're right. Well done.

    Man crush theory: 4
    Crush on J story: 3

    It's a gettin' close...J is making a strong come back

    Random


    One of the fun and interesting traits of our subject P is that he has no recognition of existing conversations. This was one of those occasions.

    Me: ...I don't know, you've probably got a RAM issue, but....
    P: YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN ANY TIME!!
    Me: What?
    P: That's from Top Gun.
    Me: Yeah, I know, where'd that come from though? Cause you're wearing aviator glasses?
    P: No, cause you look like Goose and I look like Tom Cruise.
    Me: I don't look like Goose. And who told you you look like Tom Cruise?
    P: No one had to.
    Me: Ok...
    P: Yeah, we should put on a Top Gun skit.
    Me: Ok. I'll go get the video camera, you think about what scene you want to do...
    P: This is gonna be awesome!
    Me: I was being sarcas..nevermind. Just, go over there.

    And if you're curious as to what P looks like, it's the complete opposite of that pic of TC.

    I'm a big ol' meanie

    Me: You want to watch Mission Impossible 3? I have it.
    Guest: Yeah.
    Me: Ok, I'll put it on.
    P: I didn't know you had this.
    Me: Mission Impossible 3? Yeah, I bought it awhile ago.
    P: No, World Trade Center.
    Me: What? No, I don't have that.
    P: Then what's this movie?
    Guest: Really?
    Me: Are you serious?
    P: You're so frustrating.
    Me: Dude, Mission Impossible 3. I just said it like 10 times, the theme music is playing and the screen says MI3, I thought you knew.
    P: You make me figure everything out on my own.
    Guest: Wow.
    Me: Yeah, I know.

    The Top

    P: I need a new name for my online character.
    Me: Ok. What kinda name?
    P: Something everyone will hate.
    Me: Hitler.
    P: I already have a Hitler, and two Adolfs.
    Me: Carrot Top.
    P: I can't do that.
    Me: Why not?
    P: He has muscles.
    Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Tuesday, February 20, 2007

    He's Dreamy

    P: So if you were with a really hot girl, and then she got naked and she was all furry, would you keep going?
    Me: No.
    P: Why not?
    Me: Cause she's all furry.
    P: Yeah, but she's really hot.
    Me: No she's not, she's all furry.
    P: I would. I'd let her pee on me too. But only in the shower.
    Me: Yeah, cause otherwise that would be gross...
    P: Yeah.

    A Gender Identity Crisis Befalls Us

    P: Hey, M. Hey, M. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, ...
    Me: For the love of God, what?
    P: I wish I had a vagina.
    Me: Dude. What?
    P: I wish I had a vagina.
    Me: There's an operation for that.
    P: NO WAY!!
    Me: Yeah, you should check it out.
    P: Whoa.

    My Superhero Roommate

    Ok, when things are in all caps, it's because he is yelling at the top of his lungs. He gets very, very angry at the television. At random things like this, and for some odd reason Sonic Burger commercials.

    Watching T.V. - Some guy jumps off of a bridge and commits suicide.

    P: That's BULLSHIT!
    Me: What?
    P: He jumped into water, that wouldn't do anything! That's so STUPID! GOD!
    Me: Dude, water will kill you.
    P: Not if you fall in it. Haven't you ever gone swimming before?
    Me: Are you serious? He jumped off a bridge that was like 200 feet over the water.
    P: Doesn't matter.
    Me: Water gets hard when you speed up, dude.
    P: No it doesn't.
    Me: It doesn't? You're saying it just doesn't?
    P: I could jump out of a plane, and glide, and then when I got to water, I would skip across it, and then be fine.
    Me: Wow.
    P: Yeah. It's all in the mind, like if you fall off a building and you think you're going to break your leg, you break your leg.
    P: Dude, are you serious with this stuff?
    P: What do you mean?
    Me: How are you still alive?

    Monday, February 5, 2007

    Social Grace

    P: Let's go to a strip club.
    Me: A strip club? Ummm, if you really want to, sure.
    P: Nevermind.
    Me: Ok, you wanna go to a bar?
    P: No, I don't want to go out now, I'm self-conscious.
    Me: Of what?
    P: My balls are too big.
    Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Monday, January 29, 2007

    It puts the lotion on it's skin...

    A couple of people came over for a bit and we're all sitting in the living room. We're not talking about girls, we're not talking about talking about girls. Buffalo Bill just belted this out of nowhere.

    P: I think I wanna bang a fat chick. I don't know why I just said that.
    Us: Do it! We will help in any way you need.
    P: Yeah, I want to take a shower with her.
    Us: ...
    P: I want to wash her face.
    Us: Oh my god.

    Saturday, January 27, 2007

    Office Romance - Part Deux

    Him: If J dyed her hair to be a brunette, I wouldn't be able to hold back anymore.
    Me: No?
    Him: Yeah, I'd have to really turn it on. You don't even know.
    Me: Really?
    Him: She wouldn't be able to resist. Seriously.
    Me: Wow. Nice of you to let her off the hook for now.
    Him: Yeah. Until she's a brunette though.
    Me: Obviously.

    Man crush theory: 4
    I have a crush on J story: 2

    Friday, January 26, 2007

    Dudes just don't say that to other dudes

    Him: I'm really glad you're my roommate.
    Me: Thanks.
    Him: Of all the people to be roommates with, I'm glad it was you.
    Me: Thanks.
    Him: If you had a vagina...
    Me: Do NOT finish that sentence, dude.
    Him: Ok.

    Well, now the evidence is all over the place, so a tally I shall keep.

    Man crush theory: 4
    The I have a crush on J story: 1

    Thursday, January 25, 2007

    Simply Irresistable

    Him: I don't like my room.
    Me: Why?
    Him: Because of the windows. If someone walks by, and then looks in the window they can see me.
    Me: Shut your blinds.
    Him: Yeah, but if they can see that I'm there, they'll grab me and take me.
    Me: Who's gonna take you?
    Him: Anyone that sees me is going to want to take me.
    Me: Good point.

    Wednesday, January 24, 2007

    666

    P: Obama is the anti-christ.
    Me: Are you serious?
    P: Yeah, Nostrodamus said Amabu would be the anti-christ and Obama backwards is amabo - really close.
    Me: Wow.

    It's at this point that I think that jotting these gems down for my own personal amusement isn't good enough and mycrazyroommate.com is born.

    Monday, January 22, 2007

    Grassy Knoll

    P: Hey, you don't believe that Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK do you?
    Me: Yeah.
    P: I thought you were smarter than that, haven't you seen JFK?
    Me: That was a movie. He was a fricken' military marksman and had scope, not that hard of a shot.
    P: JFK says it was someone on the grassy knoll.
    Me: Well, if a Kevin Costner movie says so, it must be true.

    Saturday, January 20, 2007

    The Truth Is Out There

    Yeah, so this takes place as my cousin ( who I haven't seen in years ) is still walking in the front door.

    My Cousin: Hey, nice to meet you, I'm E.
    P: Nice to meet you, check this out. There's fu$*ing UFOs. NASA has footage!
    My Cousin: ...Umm...ok.
    P: Watch this! See how it moves! People are trying to cover it up.
    My Cousin ( to me ): Your roommate is weird.
    Me: Yeah, I know

    Friday, January 19, 2007

    Passion of the roommate

    P: Is it true that Jews started every major war in history?
    Me: What? No.
    P: Mel Gibson said that they did.
    Me: Mel Gibson? Then it must be true.
    P: That's what I thought.

    Thursday, January 18, 2007

    Yeah, I'm that dumb ie Gullibosity


    P: Hey, I'm out of weed, can you take me to go get some more?
    Me: Ummm, no.
    P: Why?
    Me: I'm not a drug mule.
    P: What if I told you that I was going to pick up a book?
    Me: Are you going to pick up a book?
    P: No.
    Me: Then no.
    P: Hey, so can you take me to go pick up some money? This guy owes me some money.
    Me: Yeah.
    P: Really?
    Me: No.

    Wednesday, January 17, 2007

    Brokeback Roommate

    P: Do you know what would be fun?
    Me: What?
    P: If we got some wood for the fireplace, ordered in, and watched a movie together.
    Me: ...
    P: Don't you think?
    Me: ...That's weird dude.

    Man crush theory back? Needy? "Different" relationships with guy friends in the past? I don't know, I just don't know.

    Monday, January 15, 2007

    Our First Fight

    Like I said before, thousands of questions, never ending consipracy theory rants, etc. All I want to do is watch "The Office" once a week. Not too much to ask right?

    P: Hey. This one time, I was out hanging with....
    Me: My show is on, dude. Wait until a commercial.
    P: ...So I was with my friends.
    Me: Dude! Please let me watch my show.
    P: That's the first time you raised your voice to me. I don't know how I feel about that.
    Me: I didn't raise my voice, and we're not dating, man.

    I didn't raise my voice, dammit.

    Don Juan

    Sweet relief. P has shown interest in a coworker so the man crush theory has been put away for now, in my book at least. There are some who aren't convinced yet, but I'm an optimist. Anyways, in traditional P style, the whole scenario is playing out and way more interesting in his head than real life.

    P: You know J, right?
    Me: Yeah.
    P: She's so hot, I think we're getting too familiar though.
    Me: Ummm. What?
    P: Yeah, I've got to keep the mystery alive.
    Me: Yeah, that'll do it.
    P: You know, I think I've got a chance.
    Me: I dunno.
    P: I do, if I'm mysterious it will just happen.
    Me: I'm sure it will.

    "Too familiar" refers to the fact that she almost made eye contact with him at a group lunch once. At least it's not me.

    Thursday, January 11, 2007

    Deep Impact


    Ok. This is where we officially crossed the line from weird into crazy. In my usual post active day way, I plop on the couch, turn off my brain, and find something mind numbing to occupy me until I'm ready to sleep. This particular night, it was Deep Impact. That movie where Frodo discovers a comet headed towards Earth, we're all going to be destroyed from it and drama ensues. Well, part of the comet hits the water and a huge wave comes to start wreaking havoc. Some might react by saying, it's a bit cheesy, others think wow, that sucks, I didn't expect this...

    ( watching )


    P: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
    Me: Dude, what's funny? She just died.
    P: Yeah, I don't have empathy for people, it's not like it was a dog or something.
    Me: You're a sociopath.
    P: What?
    Me: Nothing.

    Wow. So death = funny. Hopefully, it's the copious amount of substance in his brain and not a warning sign of serial killer tendencies.

    Criticism - I'm not perfect :(

    At first, I was just going to list the conversations without any explanation, but, I think that without painting the whole P picture, some of the crazy may be lost on the reader. So here's a little context for the following summation of our evening relationship. The belief held by our character P is that conspiracies are everywhere. Grassy knolls, aliens, 9/11 govt. demolition, Jewish money control, the Illuminati, and don't even get him started on area 51 or Roswell. Anyways, every night consists of a thousand questions regarding every moment of the day and how it pertains to what people are plotting against him, as well as the occasional rant about the moon landing being staged. I have fallen into a habit of just saying "uh-huh" to every question.

    P: Hey. Why don't you talk more?
    Me: I dunno. I don't feel the need to blurt everything that enters my head.
    P: I don't like that.
    Me: Sorry.

    Alas, now even my silence has become offensive. What to do now? No, I don't want to talk about your day whilst sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey - I'm just not that kinda guy.

    Tuesday, January 9, 2007

    Chemistry

    Ok. So now it's been a couple of days. I'm starting to accept that there is another creature in my house. After several years of nude jumping jacks being perfectly acceptable in my home, I've come to terms with the new rules ( metaphor people, calm down ). So apparently my guard is dropping a little bit because...

    P: Hey, I want to tell you something.
    Me: Ok.
    P: ( leans in to kiss me )
    Me: What the F*$@ are you doing?!
    P: Ha ha! That's funny, right?
    Me: No. No, that is not funny. It's weird and awkward.
    P: Well, it was just a joke.
    Me: Yeah, I'm sure it was...
    P: I think it would be funny if you did that to me.
    Me: Right, that's not going to happen.

    Now honestly, what is in someone's head when this happens? I'm gonna fall over laughing and start a pillow fight or something? C'mon. Luckily, I am quite comfortable in my heterosexuality, but after two days I could easily be one of those dudes that would challenge the P to a good old fashioned round of fisticuffs. Please don't be a man-crush....please please please

    Sunday, January 7, 2007

    Memories

    Now, P had come to work for the company and was temporarily put up for a couple of weeks before moving in at the beginning of the year. Before that, I did not even know this human existed on the planet.

    P: Hey, we go way back, right?
    Me: I've known you for 2 weeks.
    P: Yeah, but, I feel like I've known you for a lot longer.
    Me: ...Ok.
    P: Yeah, so...yeah, I just wanted to say that.
    Me: .....That's weird dude.

    It may be on me, but I just don't express feelings of attachment and familiarity to other dudes, well not without a liter of whiskey in me. It's starting to add up...

    Full House


    And so it begins. On January 6th, my new pet, "P", arrived. The previous "P" model had been rejected and forced to live elsewhere due to an insurmountable mismatch of personalities and habits. I'm kind of a morning person, not the most "outgoing", enjoy relaxing weekends, and he was a complete prick. It just wasn't gonna be a match. After assurance that the newer model was without similar defect, and would pay cash money for a now unused room, I finally gave up the "live by myself" lifestyle I had come to know and love to regress to a shared habitat. The first 24 hours were fine, but that seemed to be the maximum amount of time the crazy could be contained.

    Me: Can you turn down the TV? It's kinda loud.
    P: Yeah. Hey.
    Me: What's up?
    P: You know Stephanie from Full House? I used to have a crush on her and wrote her a letter. I cried to my mom because she didn't write back.
    Me: ...What? That's weird dude.

    Yes, just a little "weird", but looking back, it was the canary in the coal mine. Keep in mind that out of 5-10 freaky ass comments, only the appropriate or most random make it here.